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How Therapy Enables Healthier 'Connection'
It is hard to talk about our very close relationships, often because we feel a complex range of emotions that may well be contradictory. For example, we can love our mother very much but also have unhealthy patterns of how we connect with her. This will impact on many of our other significant relationships.
We are generally loyal to those we love, especially our families, and the client who tells her therapeutic story below had strong ideas about her relationship with her mother. She was very low at the start of her therapy, crying a good deal and feeling negative in many life areas. At the end of just a few months in therapy with me, here is what she reflected about her successful journey:
"I learnt that is Ok for me to love, miss and remember my Dad and celebrate milestones in life. I also learnt that though the traumatic birth [of my child] and death of my father being so close, this is not anything significant, just a number.
I learnt that it is ok to 'change' or challenge something if it upsets or scares me. This is far from running away but actually making a positive choice to do something different to help avoid upsetting myself unnecessarily.
I learnt that being 'unconfident' is not the sum total of me and I am actually very capable and confident in many areas.
I learnt that I am confident is some areas and perhaps not in others and that this is actually ok. I learnt that I can challenge the perception of me held by my family because the labels they have put on me I actually find unhelpful and inaccurate and until now I have not been able to see that these may hold me back and upset and frustrate me.
I learnt that my life is extremely intertwined with my mothers, unhelpfully so at times but that old relationships can be challenged and changed for the better if I want them to be.
I learnt that my family love me in more ways than I knew and that my family respect me for the role i play in their lives. I learnt that I can either focus on the negative of a situation and be unhappy or find the positive in a situation which is far more constructive.
I learnt that I have a really good friend in my husband, perhaps the best friend I am so desperate for and that when I asked to talk and to be heard he was fantastic.
I learnt that I let my Mum set all the boundaries in our relationship so now I know this I am starting to recognise and set my own boundaries with many people, not just Mum.
I set boundaries with people which makes me feel more assertive, positive and in control of my life. I believe this will lead to healthier and better relationships and make me a happier person. This is particular so with my Mum and I have already found that our relationship, from my perspective is less stressful.
I make a point of trying to find positives in situations and not want to find the negative. I always think of your example of the rain on the wedding day and think, 'Why focus on that?' It stops me in my tracks and I take a second to think 'positive' and it works!!!! (Not all the time but then no one is perfect). The point is I have the tool to do it and if I chose to use it then great.
When something is coming up that has a lot of stress, upset, or pain surrounding it, it is ok for me to 'change' how that event/ day/ date is dealt with- Having a party on a different date etc. Previously events like this would have worried and upset me for weeks but now my approach is to say. 'Hold on- what can I do to make that better'.
Therapy gave me the tools to do all the above. When I came into Therapy I had all these thoughts and a load of grief, sadness, anger etc. It was all jumbled up and was all clouding where and how I wanted to carry on in my life and enjoy my new baby. Therapy enabled me to unpick this and realise that I hold my life’s cards. If I want a better relationship with my Mum, I have to change how our roles link together. If I want to be happier I have to look at situations and not draw the negatives out, therapy allowed me to see how I do that for myself.
Two things surprised me about my therapeutic journey:
1. How much my life being so intertwined with my Mums was not helpful for either of us.
2. How clear it was to me (before we ever discussed it) that I had come to the end of my journey because I felt complete. On my last session I remember as I walked to the session that it felt like the last day at school. I felt like a mixture of nervous excitement about the future but there was a spring in my step and I just knew inside I was ready to finish- And sure enough that was my last session- For me that shows it is a journey and if its done right the ending will become clear without even discussing it.Sorry if that’s a bit long but I feel very passionate that this journey really has made a difference to me and I wanted to tell you why.
Thanks again Cheryl, great working with you."
The client who wrote the above achieved what she wanted in therapy with me in only seven sessions. That is one day’s work! Why not call for an informal discussion and see if I can help you to have the life you want, just as she did?
I am registered with BUPA, PPP, Pruhealth, AVIVA and many other private health insurers, therefore your therapy may well be cost free.
Cheryl Massey C.Psychol MSc MSc MA BSc PGCEChartered Psychologist and Systemic PsychotherapistNatural HealthCheryl Massey C.Psychol MSc MSc MA BSc PGCEChartered Psychologist and Systemic Psychotherapist at Natural Health.
26.01.11 | natural health
